Sebelum balik raya.

Ha. Ni memang gatal tangan nak update benda mengong ni walaupun esok pagi - pagi ada quiz 3 chapter, malam ada test dan esok pagi pun ada test lagi satu sebelum balik raya. Tapi memang nak pos jugak sebagai satu peringatan kepada apa yang dah berlaku sepanjang bulan yang penuh mulia ini.

One of the thousand reason

why I have trust issue.

They all talk and say,

"Don't worry, I didn't like them either."

with a smile on their face.

But little did I know.

Most aren't doing what they are saying.

And little that they know.

that I didn't that stupid to trust.

Well, the way that they see it.

I'm the one who always done wrong.

That one time, beats all eternity.

Bulan ini aku belajar bahawa ianya amat pedih bila diri ini digantikan oleh orang lain. Melihat orang lain filling the position of where you should be. Well, it is damn hurt. But sempena bulan Ramadhan ini, aku xmengikut sangat perasaan aku. Mungkin tidak dihasut oleh syaitan dan diapi - apikan oleh diorang semua. Maklumla, mereka semuakan kene ikat. Tapi aku masih tidak lupa dari membuat perkara - perkara yang tidak baik seperti mencarut, menyumpah, cakap belakang, kutuk member dan lain - lain. Nampak sangat aku ni memang kurang baik orangnya. Boleh nampak dah. Hehehehehehe.

Well, ape yang berlaku pada bulan ini memang banyak memberi kesan pada diri ini. Although I've already expected it but it doesn't mean it hurt less. I found out that people come and go and all good things never last but bad things, come over and never leave. Ok, this is just a rambling before I get some shut-eye before tough 2 days starting today. So, maybe it doesn't mean anything.

Bulan puasa, bulan yang mulia. Aku duduk di sofa depan rumah aku yang bercapuk dan lobang merata - rata. Belum lagi cerita pasal cakaran Si Comot kat sofa yang dah berusia 4 tahun ini. Aku dengan baju singlet pagoda dan seluar pendek tak berjenama memerhatikan manusia lalu - lalang depan rumah. Lalu aku bangun melihat Si Comot mencari rezeki di tempat pembuangan sampah belakang rumah aku. Aku menemaninya sampai kucing tersebut rasa tak selesa untuk membuang setelah memenuhi nafsu makannya. Apabila dia berlalu, aku terus memerhatikan sampah yang berbau kurang menyenangkan itu. Lalu aku mengambil sebungkus pelastik dan mencari tin - tin besi yang boleh dikumpulkan. Habis seluruh pakaianku serta badan - badan aku berbau serupa seperti sampah - sampah itu. Lalu aku tanggalkan singlet pagoda itu dan menyarungkan baju lusuh dan koyak yang baru aku jumpa. Lalu dengan begitu aku berjalan sekeliling taman. Sedari aku bahawa ramai yang melihat aku dengan pandangan menjijikkan. Akhirnya aku pulang ke rumah begitu. Nah, aku menyelami apa fakir - fakir dan peminta sedekah diluar sana yang menghadapi hidup sebegitu sepanjang hidup mereka. Menyelami bagaima hidup dengan memakan sampah dan bekas manusia lain. Sedih. Namun aku terfikir, bagaimana hendak menyelami mereka - mereka yang mempunyai kanser tahap akhir ya?

It's time.

Lepas siap semua stay sampai subuh and all. Ada Bro aku post something untuk aku. Gile cliche cerita dari time kecik darjah satu and all. And hey, we are bro. Not more, not less. And her boyfie, don't worry man, our story goes waaaaaaaaaaaaay back, and most of it are history. So, kawen la cepat - cepat. nak makan nasik minyak. =D Btw, oooooooooo ngumpat aku ye? hahahahahahampeh. Don't worry. We're good. 

And, sebenarnye bukan nak cerita pasal tu pun pagi - pagi limun ni. This what I want to talk about :

Maybe it's time to stop for awhile.

Stop worrying about Duniawi.

And start worrying about hereafter.

I stop, and I look back.

And I notice I went all the wrong way.

But as I always said.

I always find my way back.

Cume satu je yang aku takutkan.

Masa mencemburui aku dan aku meninggalkan dunia ini

tanpa sempat untuk kembali.

Subhanallah. Mintak dijauhkan.

Aku memohon supaya Kau tidak biarkan aku tersesat jauh, Ya Allah.

p.s : I always comes and goes without notice. Hardly for me to stay at one place. Because I'm curios and tend to wanders. One who's staying when I get back is one I treasured.

Kids and toys.

Still remember days of when you're still kid? Kid enough to play around, sit, do nothing and no ones tells you to stop? This is that story. Hypothetically.

There live kids. With toys. They always find these toys. During sick. During rain. During pain. Whatever comes and gone, these particular toys never leave them. At one morning, one of the toys broke. They mend those toy using plaster. Who are they kidding, they knew good things don't last. No matter how much or how long they have been play with it. One of those days, it will break again. Now, lets us be in the kids shoes. It must be terrifying to know that the toys will failed them countless time after this. Thus, for them it's better to find a new toys. The story ends there. Although it is a bit sad, but the main character of the story get their hand on the replacement everything seems nice and happy ending.

Well, to me. It one sad, crappy story. Whenever there is a happy ending. There's always a sad one. Take a simple story. Power Puff Girl. Those kid-shows always end with them winning, and beating the hell out of Mojo Jojo right? Sometimes I think or maybe too much. Poor him to always being beaten the hell out of him after countless try, he still won't win. All he want is just some attention or maybe he have a crush at one of the girls kot. Hahahahaha. Btw, pointnye adalah think something while in other's shoes. And maybe you get the hang of it living in my mind.

Btw, in August last year. I didn't post much in my personal diary here. But all I can say is :

Last year, at this time....

Everything was so different.

p.s : 

And I'll always wait for good things to come.

Modul Part 5.

August 6 is the date. Saturday is the day. Laugh all you want, yes I admit I still have module to attend to. Everyone in UiTM does for every semester including degree. This time I learn about how to be success in applying for jobs interviewing and such. Well, it isn't as much fun as last semester as we have gone through "Explorace of some kind". But this semester I learn new things about myself. Dalam ceramah itu, ada kajian personaliti dan kerjaya. Okay, don't trust it much but see it as a guidance to avoid being jobless in the future. So, in this career test, there is 6 type of person. Realistic, Investigative, Artistic, Social, Enterprising and Conventional. So, as for me, I got 12 marks, 23 marks, 14 marks, 11 marks, 10 marks and 10 marks respectively. That's mean I am average in most of it but I am high in being Investigative. 

For realistic traits, they are : pemalu, materialistik, suka berterus terang, ikut perintah, praktikal, natural, jujur, maskulin dan tekun.

For investigative traits, they are : analitikal, rasional, intelektual, kritikal, pendiam, pesimistik, inkuiri, kurang popular, berhati - hati, menyisihkan diri, introspektif / celik akal, rendah hati dan jitu.

For artistic traits, they are : bersendirian, kurang bersosial, lembut, tidak terikut - ikut, bebas, tidak suka rutin, dan ikut suka hati.

For social traits, they are : bekerjasama, berkawan, murah hati, lemah lembut, suka menolong, baik hati, memujuk, bertanggungjawab dan memahami.

For enterprising traits, they are : keusahawanan, pemimpin, memikirkan keuntungan, mahir memanipulasi, bersungguh - sungguh, bercita - cita tinggi, suka berbahas, angkuh, berkeyakinan dan bersosial.

Lastly conventional, they are : suka bekerja dengan nombor, terperinci, akur, ikut arahan, adapt, tahan diri, patuh, sopan, tekun, tenang, teliti dan cermat.

Mengikut career test ini, aku langsung tak sesuai jadi pegawai bank. Aku lagi sesuai menjadi doktor, ahli astronomi dan lain - lain. Pelik, tapi mungkin benar. Aku mungkin sesuai jadi seperti itu, tetapi minat dan cita - cita mengalahkan kesesuaian tersebut. Namun, siapakah aku pada masa hadapan nanti, bukan sekarang jawapannya untuk aku coretkan disini.

p.s :

So what if I am?

I couldn't care less.

maybe I am a fucking lying bastard.

Puasa ke-13.

Bulan Ramadhan sudah pun sampai ke akhir minggu kedua. Cepat masa berlalu, tak terasa peritnya di bulan yang penuh rahmat ni. Dan tak tersangka pula aku terlepas nak ucapkan harijadi kawan aku pada 11 Ogos lalu. Tidak apalah, sebab aku sentiasa mendoakan supaya Allah memurahkan rezekimu dan memanjangkan umurmu. Setahun sudah berlalu sejak aku memberi hadiah kepada dia di laman sesawang mukabuku. =)

tapi itu tahun lepas punye cerita. Hari ini punya cerita bermula dengan pelik sedikit. Ianya pelik bila aku mimpi aku dapat cancer paru - paru pada usia yang amat muda. Masuk ni da beberapa kali aku bermimpi aku meninggal awal. Mungkin pada bulan Ramadhan ini Allah nak ingatkan aku dengan kematian. Subhanallah. Dan aku juga terfikir, bilakah aku akan dapat menyempurnakan ramadhan ini. Dapat satu hari yang sempurna pun cukuplah. Terhindar dari segala keburukan yang datangnya dari perlakuan, percakapan mahupun hati aku. Sempurna segala - galanya, termasuk ibadah dan perlakuan yang sempurna di bulan mulia ini. Alangkah indahnya. Tapi bilakah dapat aku menikmati keindahan hidup sebagai seorang Muslim. Dan apakah yang akan terjadi jika ini adalah Ramadhan terakhir aku? Aku terlalu fikir mengenai duniawi. Dan aku sering alpa. Muslim tipikal.

"Muslims are expected to put more effort into following the teachings of Islam by refraining from sexual intercourse (during fasting), violence, anger, envy, greed, lust, angry and sarcastic retorts, and gossip. People are meant to try to get along with each other better than they normally might. All obscene and irreligious sights and sounds are to be avoided. Purity of both thought and action is important. The fast is an exacting act of deep personal worship in which Muslims seek a raised level of closeness to God. The act of fasting is said to redirect the heart away from worldly activities, its purpose being to cleanse the inner soul and free it from harm. The reason Muslims fast is to discipline their body and mind. The absence of food and drink and other pleasures provides a perfect opportunity to concentrate on prayer and worship. Not having the luxuries of life to hand makes it easier to reflect on life and be grateful for what we do have. Muslims use this month to start afresh and give their life a new direction."

Tetapi adakah aku hanya dapat lapar dan dahaga sahaja dalam bulan Ramadhan ini? I'm not really a perfect Muslim type. Far from it I believe. But. Just but.

Interview Session at Batu Pahat.

Ini rabu lepas punye cerita. Aku telah ditugaskan untuk menemu ramah sebuah syarikat yang menjalankan aktiviti import eksport yang ada dekat Malaysia ni untuk mengetahui cara - cara pembayaran, perkapalan, bla bla bla. I won't bored you with the details. So, after long discussion, we decided to went to Batu Pahat because it's much near than Temerloh. Lagipun BP dekat dengan UiTM. As everything goes as planned. Question aren't made yet. Semuanya harapkan kespontanan kami. Hahahahahaha. Well, tengok sendiri picture nya. It told a thousand word.=)

Interview kali ni memang ada best sikit. Sebab bos syarikat Amin ni sporting. Die layan je. Name die Abang Boy. Da bertahun die bukak syarikat orang tengah antara dua negara especially Indon - Malaya. Die siap bagi dokumen - dokumen yang membantu kitorang punye assignment ni.

Sila abaikan tangan die yang belah kanan. hahahahahaha.=) Ni die bawak aku ke tempat berlakunye perdagangan itu...=) kat sini jugak aku belajar jenis - jenis kapal yang digunakan tuk trading between countries ni.

Kapal kat blakang aku tu name die mother vessel. Besa gile punye kapal. Kos nak buat kapal camtu makan 2 - 3 juta. Da penat buat sume ni, kitorang pun pegi BP Mall.

Yup, saya suke maen arked. hahahahahahahah. Nilah kali pertame aku tengok game tembak - tembak boleh maen 4 orang skali gus. Hohohohohoho. Btw, it's the best outdoor assignment setakat ni. Thanks to Syazwan Shahmi, Khairul Akmal, Pepper [name penuh xtau sebab die budak part 7] dan Syah Adam coz menjayakan program ni...=)

p.s : 

I thought I can live without 

your presence, but I can't.

But I know, if you are near me

you'll only make my life worse.

So I'll only live by your shadow, but I'll definitely keep you safe. If you let me know whenever you are in trouble. Just if. =)

Agenda Tersendiri.

People can act like it is easy to forget the past,

I tell you what. It's not.

How can I forget all the lies, the games or the time

I blame myself for someone else's mistakes

the past can't change. I know that.

It doesn't make it hurt less.

And don't say to me:

Because it is easier said than done.

Btw, aku rasa kau ada agenda tersendiri sebab all I want to do is not do something that make people gossiping about us, but you going to pretend that I didn't exist? I don't think it's going to work because we are both egoistic maniac. Dan aku tak akan tegur kau kalau kau tak tegur aku sebab aku agak kau ada agenda tersendiri. Mungkin sebab aku masih bullshitkan kau. Jangan risau, bukan kau seorang. Cuma, aku akan batalkan segala perancangan yang aku sediakan untuk kau lah sebab benda ini. Membazir. 

And lastly, you won't know me if you ask from somebody else. Ask me. Because, I've change along with the people who I am with. I can be anyone I want. Awesome, a great listener, a romantic guy. Even bullshiter, a great enemy, an avenger, a devil. Your choice.

Puasa Pertama.

Ingat lagi tak puasa pertama aku tahun lepas? tentu sekali aku ingat. Dengan sangat vivid. Sahur dengan family. dengan memikirkan bagaima nak sahur kalau berada di kolej nanti. Tapi itu tahun lepas. Tahun ini juga aku sambut kedatangan Ramadhan dan sahur pertama dengan family. Harapnya ia menjadi satu trend yang akan dilakukan sepanjang hayat. Bezanya tahun ini adalah aku dah duduk luar. Dah tak duduk dalam. Dan sebagaima setiap tahun, bulan ramadhan antara bulan yang paling mencabar. Walaupun tahun lepas aku laluinya dengan bahagia. Tahun ini dimulakan dengan :

A'ah. Aku sambut kedatangan Ramadhan dengan kawan - kawan juga. Inilah antara mereka yang datang. Plus Imran sebab dia ada kerja sebab tu waktu pembikinan gambar ni dia tak ada. lagipun, kami biasanya akan keluar jadi kutu rayau berembun, tu yang tak semua join. 

Well, after that. Aku juga sambut Ulangtahun perkahwinan Parent aku yang ke 33. Bunyi macam lame kan, tapi aku masih ingat waktu aku belek - belek gambar - gambar lama kat album lama rumah aku tu dengan mak aku, ada jugak diceritakan beberapa kisah menarik berlaku antara mama dan ayah. Sangat seronok mendengarnya. Tak sangka ayah aku romantik orangnya. Ehem, tengok la anaknya. =) Selamat Ulangtahun Perkahwinan Ayah dan Mama!! 31 July 1988 is a memorial day.

Dan akhirnya tiba sahur pertama pada hari puasa pertama. Puasa kalini terasa bagaikan banyak pulak dugaan yang datang yang memerlukan kesabaran yang tinggi. Untunglah aku seorang yang mempunyai tahap kesabaran yang tinggi. Dengan cuaca yang panas semacam pada bulan penuh berkat ni. sakit tekak yang dah hampir 4 minggu tak sembuh. Balik UiTM pada waktu tengah hari. Nasib tak buka sorang - sorang kat rumah sewa. Tapi still makan maggie je. Asal perut terisi. Baru nak mengenang nasib, salah seorang ahli rumah nak keluar. Tak terkenang nasib jadinya. Tambahan pula sekarang dah pukul 4.30 pagi, dan aku kat rumah abang aku. Semua dah tido dan aku tak sahur lagi. Elak aku tak sahur alamat tak puasa la aku dapat gastrik esok. Hahahahahaha. Dugaan bulan Ramadhan. Semoga ia mendatangkan keberkatan pada aku.

And of course, pain change me to who I am now. I am in the mood of not explaining. It's better I kept quite as I know that I'm not good with words so the situation will get worst. Natijahnya, tak ada orang tahu akan sebab yang aku buat sampai la bertahun - tahun macam yang aku ceritakan pada pos lepas. 

And btw, I missed talking with you, texting you, hearing you no matter it is a story, complaining or just a damn joke. I missed the childish attitude. Yes, I never missed the well until it runs dry. Well, things are never going to be the same. ain't it? It's a new Ramadhan. Happy Fasting everyone!!

Selamat Datang Ramadhan.

Well, as the topic goes. I hereby say goodbye to July 2011 and welcoming August 2011 where it also means hello to Ramadhan Al-Mubarak. Here is something that happen in July that I still haven't talk about it here. Note that my tone in coveying these message is neutral, no emotion afflicted. Please read it that way too. =)

Remember when I talk about my lost confident and trust to every little someone in the last post. Okay, here's the thing. Days before, I had a phone call. From someone I least expected. Someone from my past.

This particular person is one of the reason all of this happen. You see, my life is like an iron chain. Everything is connected. So is this past person. Also connected with what happen with my best friend at UiTM and another particular someone. I cant say any name here, and it making me confused. Hahahahahaha...=) and also connected with why I have trust issues. Okay. This particular person called me. and the only reason I picked up that phone that night is because I don't know who is calling. Kalau aku tau, tak adalah aku angkat. And the best thing is, everytime she is calling is when I'm having fun at Melaka. Okay, you caught me. Last Wednesday, I went to Melaka to watch Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallow Part 2. Don't make me start comment on this movie. Hahaha.

Now, this caller here was asking me so many question about what I did back then. The reason and bla bla bla. Then I asked her the why question. Oh, yes. I love to ask why question. Everything is a question for me, all you got to do is asking the right questions. And she said something like this, "I want to know the reason, punca semua ini berlaku." Okay, it's a tough one. But I want to make sure that this is settle once and for all. Although I already said the same thing years ago, but it still didn't. And she also said that, she want to make sure that what her informer told her and what comes from my mouth is the same. And after a long conversation, dengan angin sepoi - sepoi bahasa kat Pantai Klebang tu I found out that what I told is different from what I hear from her. Surely the informer in her side is giving the wrong idea. Or, she herself is giving me a wrong idea about her informer. Well, it's a tough situation for someone who lose everyone to talk. So, what I did is neither both of them I trust. Kesian lah orang yang bercakap benar, telah tidak dipercayai oleh aku. Dan bergembiralah orang yang salah kerana buat aku hilang kepercayaan kepada orang yang benar.

It intrigues me, both of them have a reason to make my life miserable. And one of them has give a 'great help' by meddling in my 'game'. I want to ask the very same question, "Why you did this and that?" But, aku matikan niat aku sebab aku tau, susah untuk aku menjadi baik pada pandangan setiap orang. It's hard to please everyone. And I myself is very good at being bad, and very bad at being good.

Dan recently aku terjatuh telah mengakibatkan hantukan yang kuat di belakang kepala aku, menyebabkan aku semakin mereng tahap giga. Maka, inilah cerita dimana aku hilang kepercayaan terhadap rakan aku sendiri. And yes, this might not please her when she finds out. But i didn't do me well either. It's a both lose situation. I ended up the conversation earlier with something like this.

" I hope that you will not call me for whatever reason, and this is the last call I ever pick up for you. No hard feelings but you and I will not going to be together, although how much we cared for each other." - She's agreeing and until now, that was the last I will hear her. I hope. After all what happen, and if someone knowing what really happen, they will say I am a cruelest person alive. Again, it's hard to please everyone. She's agreeing because she knows what both happen for both of us and that calls clears everything up. Although it still blurry at some part, but it did.

And this is a second story about how I were and still in a cold war between particular someone in UiTM. The story starts long ago but recently move up into my reality. Here's a thing that you readers should know. The way I see it with her is that we are a team. They didn't have to tell me that I'm their best friend but the way I see it, we are a good damn best friend. When you got a problems you come to me, because that is what you do for near two years. Both of you. But, recently. Situation has change. Amat mengecewakan. Sungguh. They both put their lovers ahead than me. And it happen, nearly the same time. yes, bunyinya macam aku ni psiko yang insecure gile bile kawan baik aku lebih pentingkan kekasih mereka berbanding aku. Sounds immature, but hell. Semua orang akan rasa benda yang sama kalau mereka berada ditempat aku. Hahahahahahaha. Okay, back to the track of the story. What happen is, she gave me an idea that "We should stay away from each other." I say whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat. Okay, true enough because I will do the same if I've been told what I told her. Well, I agree with her idea and I might say, something like this "Aku tak suka dikaitkan dengan kau." Hahahahahahahaha. Jahat sungguh aku. Well, I didnt meant it that way actually. What I really trying to say is. Aku tak suka digossipkan dengan kau. Sedangkan kau dah ada boyfriend and our friendship is off balance. Everything will fall apart. Sooner or later.

Sila kata aku bengap, bangang lagi tak matang. Tapi biar aku bagi korang semua satu persoalan. Kalau anda berkawan rapat dengan seorang yang berlawanan jantina, kemudian dia mempunyai kekasih. What did you do. You do the same. You will try not to go out with each other, lunch with each other and such. Lagi - lagi dengan orang single macam aku. When you are single, you can't go out with your opposite sex best friend when they aren't. Well, that rule sucks. But it's for the better. Again, it's hard to please everyone.

Well, I have nothing else to say. All that left in me is a phrase of, "It gets better." Walaupun aku tak berapa yakin dengannya. Namun, ketibaan Bulan Ramadhan yang penuh berkat ini, aku akan bina satu muhasabah diri dan azam yang baru untuk menjadi lebih better in whole. Maka dengan ini aku ucapkan Selamat Menyambut Ramadhan Al-Mubarak. Semoga ia membawa keberkatan kepada semua umat manusia. Amin.