Kids these time.

It's been awhile since I rambling here aimlessly. I guess that I've been busy. Nah, that's bullshit. My routine here at home is pretty dull. Wakes up, do chores, going out, sleep. Pretty neat schedule right? Hari - hari aku lepak dengan muka yang same plus minus sorang dua, kadang - kadang terasa inginkan suasana baru. Apetah lagi jiwa aku yang suka berjalan ni. But on a bright side in my all boring life, lepak-ing dengan kawan - kawan will be mostly a highlight of my day. Because they take my mind off my problems.

 

And honestly I'm getting sick when anyone new ask me whether I've a job or not. Maklumlah cuti lama dengan carik kerja memang selari sekarang. And before I could answer, they start bagi ceramah free [serius tak mintak] tentang kerja itu satu keperluan, cari duit, bla bla bla. It's not that I don't want to work, heck as long as kerja tu halal, appropriate amount of money dengan kerjanya, aku amek je. But probs will never leave me. Dan sifat aku yang tak suka memanjang - manjangkan cerita dan masalah buat aku lebih suka mengalah ni tak membantu aku dalam kehidupan. Kesabaran aku sering diuji disini. Oh, well. Guess I am that strong to hold it in.

Okay, cerita lain. Haritu aku jumpe kawan lame, harini pun. Macam biasa lepak dekat kedai mamak berdekatan walau ada McD. Aku rasa mekdi ni tuk orang - orang yang berstandard je kot. Yelah, benda paling murah kat situ maunya dua ringgit. kat mamak tu dua ringgit dah kenyang. Bila jumpa kawan lame ni automatik they took me back to my school life. Reminiscing back the old life, time aku baru nak naik tu sume. Then aku reflect balik tu semua dengan keadaan sosial sekarang. Tak payah jauh kat pontian je pun da cukup dah. Aku time 10 tahun dulu takdenye naik basikal pukul 4 pagi. How happy I am not to be a kid at this time. Kalau tak lagi senang aku hanyut.

p.s:

I should and need to broaden my life by now.

Used to.

I am not who I am used to be.

 Why do I have to grow up.

Damn.

Art by Jenny.

Let It Be.

Phrase that I frequently told myself.

My heart still can't understand that.

What they say is true.

The truth sets me free.

But it piss me off first.

Take a step back.

Re-evaluate what you've decide.

Before you ever think

to move again.

What I have.

Harini aku dah macam lari rumah. Pukul 4 petang keluar rumah, pukul 2 pagi baru balik. Bising orang tua aku. Nasib baik semua kerja - kerja surirumah sudah kusiapkan. Kalau tidak, meletup la rumah aku. Okay start entri.

 

He got everything I ever wanted.

Life in ease.

What he want, he'll get it.

Above all, he used his own money.

Not his parent.

He can start living in his own.

He's THAT wealthy.

Guys want to be him.

Girls want to be with him.

That's for sure.

Little that they've known.

The guy that they were looking up to.

is looking up to them too.

Because what he want most

is most of us have.

 

a loving and caring family.

 

Little that they've known,

 

I am lucky because I have my family.

I'm not going to waste my time chasing something that will make me losing what I already had. Jealousy is one deadly poison. Treasure what you had because many people out there wishing what you already had. They want to be like you. Realize and acknowledge your strength rather than comparing your weakness with others.

p.s:

The pain is sometimes unbearable. A feeling that have been ignore for so long. So I'm in the war to feel or to push the pain down again. But if I do the latter, I know that it will be a long time to feel anything again. Ergo, I don't want to kill this pain. At least I feel something. At the very least.

The Fight.

I lied. Everything I said that I got nothing to tell is a lie. The part where I don't have anything to whine also a lie. But the part I told that I am happy with my life I'm not. I do have many many many crap that I held and pushed it down my throat. But instead of whining, I decide to take it all inside as long as I can take it and I did not throw up. Cause when I do, it will be like Jurassic park kind of ugly where there is blood everywhere, bayangkan satu tempat pembunuhan bersiri yang gile gile gile dasyat punye. Ok, off topic.

Why I chose to take it down with me. The answer might surprise you. Thinking that I am Mr. Goody two shoes who can endure all things, accept all things and let it all happen? No. I am one hold-on bastard, revengeful, have anger issues that only few have encounter just yet. Apart from that I'm also, clingy, spoiled and crybaby little brat. But instead of those two personality that many did not know, I choose to be normal with everyone who endure all thing not because I'm strong enough but because that's all I can do. 

I'm born as a last son. I should be spoiled by nature. But instead, I used to endure all shit that people throw at. And when I was kid, I'm short. People always made fun of me. Everything that they say I did not fight back not because I don't want to but I can't. Up until now, I can't fight, I can't speak my mind and all I can do is being a sitting duck receiving all the bullets they fired. The best I can do is say it out loud here. 

This is not a complain, this is not me whining of my life, no. This is me telling myself that I have the power to take it all. I may have challenge once or twice to universe that who lose first, my guts or his trick. To prove that Allah only gave pain that I can endure. And from that many many many time I've been in pain, only a few that I take a step back, stop and put down my sword so that one day I can pick it up again and fight. 

And that is my answer for my friend's question, "How much longer will you endure this, it's already a long time." Maybe he did not read what I'm saying here but before I lost to my own mind, I set my own mind with these answer. "As long as I did not throw up, as long as I did not give up, and as long as I did not lose to myself." And it will certainly will be a long time.

p.s:

I may have said that many many many time against it, but this time my friend was right. I am hurt. The fact that I'm accepting myself to be hurt is the first step to start over and move on.

Broken Brig.

Honestly, I really think of many many many many crap right now. I've been told that one of my great quality is patience. Is it? My whole life asked me not to get my hopes high and any expectations only will bring me down. Somehow I tend to forget all those thing that I learned through hardship and set myself free from my own mind. But reality always checks in. And when it does, I really regret getting my hopes high for nothing ergo everything shatters right in front of my own eyes. 

All those thing about "God knows better" is part of my believes. Yet I'm just a humble human being that need to be satisfies and not just a robot that does not have any self-esteem. But lately reality just checks in and gave a truth that I can never avoid. As if I don't went through enough. Oh, I guess I don't and I happens to be here spurting all these crap for no reason. Know this, I have feelings too, I can get angry too, I can get mad too. I know I'm not at the center of any universe but at least use your eye before you talk and walk your talk.

Start Of Something Good

Maybe, just maybe that this could be a start of something good. Not necessarily new thing but a good thing. Really. Okay, give it up for Daughtry.

They say that you really can move on up until someone new showing up to replace your regret, so sue me of not moving on. Really can't blame me though. It's not something that I can control over. I can control my mind, but not my heart.

Notes.

And just when I thought that I got nothing to write. Actually I do, but I don't know where to start, what appropriates and what not. So then I'm here again, after I stop playing many games that I used to like cause I had too much free time. I think if I do another one month doing nothing, I start to literally devolving to another creature that much like unintellectual zombies. 

Here again, after went to a memorable place. Funny thing, since six years ago, at the exact same location, I'm discussing about exact same thing. Life. When I said discuss, I mean with friends. Takkan aku borak dengan batu pulak kan. Bila mengenangkan betape sedikitnya rakanku yang pernah melihat aku berbicara secara berkredibiliti, aku naik heran. Pernah juga ada sesetengahnya yang mengatakan aku ni nerd. Well, aku tak pernah salahkan sesiapa dan aku tak pernah berkata ia satu keburukan ataupun kelemahan. I live as a joker, as a guy who is fun, seen as a guy who don't talk much but can make them smile. Sometimes I've been seen as a joke. Practical joke. Most of my friends are classmates and were classmates. And their first impression on me is, "This guy is good, he's clever, funny, but not that attractive and not much likely love to smile." Yup, I've done the questionnaire. Just kidding. Hahahahaha.

Wait, what's my point again? Okay, this is useless. Aku cuma nak cakap aku baru balik lepak dengan Aniq dan Nazmi dekat tambak yang penuh dengan scenery laut berbatu, bulan yang mengambang, langit yang cerah dan angin yang dingin. Panjang pulak jadinya. Hish. Dan sejak dulu lagi tempat yang sama menjadi tempat aku , Malin dan Imran berdiskusi tentang perkara yang sama. Irony. Funny. Or just plain empty. Tajuk paling selalu dibicarakan adalah mengenal makhluk bernama perempuan. Misteri. Satu misteri even ayah aku pun susah nak ungkaikan. Hahahahaha. Okay, tak kelakar sebab ayah aku tak ada kene mengena pun.

Bukan itu yang aku nak ceritakan sebenarnya. Rasanya. Okay, nak sentuh sikit. We are the good guys who want to understands girls, comprehending the truth in every behavior at girls who we want to acknowledge and know better. But we've known and experienced something that we shouldn't have. The same pain that crumbles the very great city of Rome, the Achilles' heels. Okay stop. Karang makin panjang berjela - jela aku susah nak berhenti. And by this point, honestly I lost my point halfway. 

Actually, aku nak ingatkan diri aku yang sebenarnya aku ni seorang yang ingin mengingati semua perkara. Even a song remind me of every somebody. Example for my point. These are all notes yang ada dalam phone W995 aku yang dah rosak, ok balik, rosak dan dah ok balik tu [starts dari yang oldest]:

• Great mind thinks alike. - Aku sedar yang aku ada kawan yang boleh memikirkan perkara yang sama tanpa berbicara. Cukup awesome.
• Care too much hurts. - Mengingatkan aku where I always put others first instead of myself is a mistake.
• Truce. - Aku cuba untuk berbaik dengan kawan aku dengan menunggu 'truce declaration' dari dia.
• Wait for it. - Masih menunggu 'truce declaration'.
• Always have a backup plan. - 'Truce declaration' tak hadir tiba, get any backup plan?
• Tuhan sengaja mengingatkanmu dgn dosa - dosamu. - Oh, ni just a certain somebody yang kembali muncul dalam hidup aku tanpa diduga.
• Don't mess with someone who in mess. - Masih berbekas dengan kejadian diatas, kene pulak kawan aku yang aku tunggu 'truce declaration' tu buat kacau.
• Don't trust love. - Time ni aku tengah jiwa kacau.
• Smile while u stil can - Noticed, ni bukan aku yang buat. Waiting-truce-friend yang buat, noted die punye tulisan pun lain. Time ni kat Cameron.
• Don't blame them. They don't know. You don't tell. - Once aku sedar die ubah notes aku, aku cuma boleh ingatkan kat diri aku supaya jangan salahkan dia, dia tak tahu dan aku pula tak beritahu.
• Everything change. Question is, are you still care when it does? - Yang ni aku ingatkan kat diri aku tak semua orang masih sama jika aku sendiri telah berubah.
• You don't have time to listen to my whine. - Well, jarang sekali manusia yang ingin dengar bila aku ingin mengadu.
• Be the con criminal. Keeps the con. Leave the rest. - This is where I figure out that, con [stands for confident] is so important that it keeps me from wavering even in the blink of great pain inside.
• 7 days left. Be better. Make they proud. - This is a point where aku cuba nak berhenti smoke untuk entah keberapa kali.
• Remember. You are a lucky guy. - Time ni aku tengah jiwa kacau tapi aku dapat tengok my third shooting star in my whole life.
• Admit it. Cold-blood. Heartless. - Time ni nak dekat start final part 6. Aku tak kisah pasal truce-declaring-friend even dah nak graduate.
• What'll you get? - Time ni aku cuba sedaya upaya untuk melawan ketidakinginan aku menyiapkan final diabolical master plan.
• Jgn slide. - Oh, time ni handset aku rosak screen. 

This is all the exact copy of all my notes at my phone. This is what make my phone is priceless. Imagine when I lost my phone and laptop last year. All that stupid things is unmeasurable by money. Kalau hebat, silalah trace segala ape yang berlaku kat atas tu dalam blog aku. 

p.s:

What you didn't know, even I've stop loving you. You are still number one in my charts. A charts that filled with everyone that not in my family and not I acknowledge as just friends. That counts something. Oh god, why you.