So long Syawal. Till we meet again.

Current mood : Relentless
Current song : none

Look who's back in this perfectly boring and my most hated place to visit here in earth. Gone back again to my lonely and unsocializing psychopath self. Being here doesn't mean I got story to tell nor wanted to be heard. Most probably I don't think I want some publicity. I'm here just want to be here. Faham? Tak faham? Aku pun tak faham sangat sebab bunyi macam gempak je gune english kan. Hahahahahahahaha...=D

Oh Well, holidays are ending and finals are starting. Okay, baru nak rasa walaupun dah dekat seminggu start sebab paper sangat lambat start. Most probably kerana pihak UiTM mahukan budak - budak part 5 menutup pintu gate kerana percaya mereka - mereka lebih rapat dengan pak guard UiTM Segamat berbanding budak part 1 yang sekarang hanya tau styling rambut terpacak, berkepit dengan awek - awek baru, show off dan lain - lain yang menyakitkan mentaliti aku yang dah sedia mental. Bagaimana aku tau? Alah, aku pun pernah part 1 dulu, tau la sibuk nak show off, dah takde fesyen belah tepi, dan kalau boleh skandal keliling tali pinggang. Not proud of it guys. I had my time. They had theirs.

Hari dah menunjukkan pukul berapa ntah tapi yang penting sinaran mentari dah menjongolkan muke, so I get straight to the point lah. [I try my best, tapi tetap akan melalut jugak.] Aku just nak sampaikan something untuk seorang teman, probably ramai yang akan terasa but hanya seorang je yang aku tujukan penyampaian aku ni:

"I got to say my friend, you got to loosen up a bit. Stay with the real world more. Yes, it is tempting in your own because it gives you a great deal of happiness inside it. You addicted. It is wise for you to step out a little, not too much. Grow up, it's a lot to learn here. Well, I tried to convinced you so many fucking time, you always do what you got to do and I respect you for that. But as it comes from me, you won't listen aite? It's okay, but a wise man once saying. 'Don't love and hate too much.' Us human is fragile and perishable der. High expectation, great deal of hurt. But it's okay if you got to do what you want to do. Maybe it's the best for you. Take a chance man. I'm just trying to be a friend...=D"



And they say I'm a fool to have only a few.

And to another one :

It's like this. Maybe it's good for you who knows? Allah know's better. But I'm a little bit sad to see how different you have become. At least you've grown and for what it's worth, it's always better. Other's said it too. It's not only me, kalau tak imba la aku. But you got to become what you have to become. Just don't lose yourself in the way okay?

It might seems that I have a different agenda telling you this and that because you think that way. Yes, maybe. At least think of it and if it's bullshit, abaikan. It worth listening other's kan. Lagipun, it's not only me who complains. There's always something wrong if people's talk. But people always talk. Non-stop. Pick a right channel lah. Macam astro, takkan kau nak tengok sume saluran sekaligus? Walaupun astro "macam - macam ada." tu memang macam - macam ada, you got to choose a channel that you want to listen to. It's better than shut it off forever tak tengok dan tak jengok langsung. Ape gune ada astro kan? Listen. It's worth your mind. Talk. It's worth your thought.

p.s :

1. Akibat berbest-friend dengan seorang yang berlainan jantina begini la jadinya.

2.

Now that I think about it. You are not that important to my life. You are just a fling that I'm now ready to forget but please don't give me a reason for me to turn back because if you do, I will.

W995 Again.

Current Mood: Bored.

Current Song: Chantal Kreviazuk – Leaving On A Jet Plane

Well, as what I believe. Hidup ni memang ada naik turunnya. And right now Alhamdulillah I’m climbing slowly. Walaupun ianya nampak macam tidak seperti yang dijangkakan, tapi ia cukup untuk mengubat hati ini. Ianya bermula apabila aku mula menerima dan redha aku akan gunakan netbook ni sampai aku grad diploma. Well, not fascinating news for a gamer like me tapi orang tua – tua kate: “tak apalah, asal ada.” Kemudian, dapatla aku merancang untuk menggunakan duit baki dihujung semester ini untuk memenuhi keperluanku antara specs atau handphone.

Guess what I’d choose? Yup, phone is what I get first. Then guess what I bought? And for those who remember how obsess I can be at something, they would give a right answer. A W995. Again. Hahahahahahaha. Some can say I’m stupid for choosing same product but that what I’d choose. Tak puas lagi aku nak gune phone tu. Baru gune beberapa bulan dah kene rembat, so aku beli la lagi. Near Rm400 jugak aku gunakan tuk semua perbelanjaan aku sepanjang cuti 3 hari jumaat – ahad lepas. Tak apalah, sometime I got to tend my wound using another way kan. =) [Feb - 8 Apr 2011].

Then, another thing happens that for me it’s good enough. Pernah tak aku cerita bahawa aku lebih suka subjek kira – kira dari subjek membaca? Okay, LAW semester lepas tu tak termasuk. So, there. I prove it by getting a highest carry mark sepanjang aku berada dalam Diploma in Banking kat UiTM Segamat ni. Nak tau berapa? 38/40 tau. Same macam subjek MAT140 mase aku part 1 dulu pun 38/40. Well, this news is something I can use to tell myself that “All Is Well.” Sometimes I got to prove to myself that fact although most of the time I can put all faith in it and believes it blindly. I’m a human after all, not an unemotional robot. Even a robot can be dysfunctional.

Well, both of that happen before final exam. I hope it’s not going to get over my head so much. The pro is that I can more focus on exam rather than layan perasaan yang tak akan berhenti disakiti oleh diri sendiri ini. Thanks Mr. Universe for that.

There’s a thin line separating

dumb and faithful, lunatic and genius.

Maybe I am a dumbass lunatic.

Guess what, I don’t even care. =)

p.s:

A friend asked me how I am doing facing days that crushing my dumb emotion. Well, frankly said it hurts. So damn much but like I said, alah biasa tegal biasa. So, kebiasaan itu mengurangkan kesakitan yang aku alami. Then again, it still hurt. I will move one, someday. It will and I’ll be okay. Like that one time.

Another friend asked me how I can stay toward someone who doesn’t even know you exist and don’t even matter like what she is matter to me. Well, I don’t even know. Honestly. At some point I think that it is my ego that doesn’t want to let go. Oh, how egoistic I am. Facts. Boys dalam kelas aku pun ada kate, “ego kau tu…..masya-Allah.” I don’t even know how egoistic I am. How that can be measured? As far as I know, my ego had its time. Sometime I don’t, sometime I do. So, what are my egos towards to?

And btw, is that you who say thanks and apologizing at formspring? You want to say thanks and the sorry is for breaking our promise that night? If that the case, it is okay.

Lastly, I came across at this :

An old Native American told his grandson, "My son, there is a battle between two wolves inside us all. One is Evil. It is anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, inferiority, lies & ego. The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy, & truth." The boy thought about it, and asked, "Grandfather, which wolf wins?" The old man quietly replied, "The one you feed!

Think about it. =) Ciao~

End Class of Part 5

Today, is the end of classes, assignment, homework, test, working paper and all that bullshit that falls in the same categories. At the end of it, I realize that things that I thought I can't handle, perfectly fine after it passed. Macam semua kerja - kerja tu. Mula - mula risau bagai nak rak, jiwa tertekan, mental kaku, lidah kelu, hati panas. Tapi after hari ni, semu berlalu dan semuanya nampak begitu mudah. Subhanallah. Kuasa Allah dan janji Allah yang mengatakan, Dia tak akan memberi tanggungan yang tak tertanggung oleh hamba - hambaNya. 

Sama juga macam kes laptop yang pada mulanya aku rasa sangat imba dan hampir tercabut nafas bila dapat tahu laptop dan handset aku hilang, kemudian semua perancangan untuk menggantikan keduanya tidak berjaya dilakukan. Namun, time passed dan aku rasa sekarang, aku gunakan aje netbook 10" aku tu. Walaupun tak akan dapat aku buat beberapa perkara, namun aku semakin redha dengan apa yang ada. Seems like aku tak akan mengejar laptop besa dalam masa terdekat.

Okay, cerita pasal habis kelas, bila semua orang merancang nak balik, budak - budak kelas merancang stay ramai - ramai kat rumah sewa aku. Well, diorang kat bawah ni tengah gelak - gelak lepas main satu frame DoTA 5vs5. Sebelum tu, sempat main futsal dekat IOI. Game kalini tak memenatkan, penat gelak je. Well, we got to celebrate the facts that all that left is final. 

Cerita pasal semalam, ada Creative Night yang dihandle oleh dua kelas dekat DSP. Kene memasak, dan buat lakonan atau sketsa. The best part is, lakonan yang bertanding 5 group tu dimenangi oleh group aku yang 9 daripada 11 orang adalah lelaki. Nampaknya budak kelas lelaki aku memang creative belaka. Gambar akan di postkan nanti. Kalau aku ingat. Other best part, outfit yang aku pakai dalam melakonkan watak rockers aku dapat RM5 je kat bundle. Imba betul baju tu. It's a good ol'days although ada terasa sikit dengan semua...=) Heck, just smile and say : Fuck it!

p.s : For those who understand. Usually not many.

1. You are one thing that I don't know what to do about. They say that, things should be cleared between us but then again, I don't know how to start. Well, you still are something to me. But you aren't worth fighting for. Things aren't going to be the same again. 

2. Aaaah. This is another, a girl who are attractive. In fact, she attracts too many and for a guy like me doesn't stands much, and we aren't at the same floor anymore, you move up to the next level without me but I guess, that is for the best and right now what's best for me is don't sweet-talk too much...=) Afraid that I'm the one that will be fall again.

3. This one I should start with apologizing. If and if what am I doing make you fall, I'm sorry I didn't mean too. All I need is a new friend that I can talk too. I don't intend to fall and let you catch me but all the rope and chain that straps me won't budge no matter how hard I tried to. Maybe it's wasn't good enough.

I need to.

Tonight is Malam Apresiasi DIBA.

Remember what I talk about it last semester?

dekat sini ada aku poskan.

Tapi semester ni aku tak join

for the first time.

Well, what more can I say.

There's always a first time.

Well, selama ni pun aku pergi tul gambar kelas.

Nonetheless.

Tapi, good things aku dah buat gambar kelas awal - awal.

Well, katekanlah yang aku edit ni lawa.

Hahahahahahaha.

Well, cumanya aku rasa pelik.

A lot of people say that they care.

Why don't they ask the reason I didn't coming?

Well, prove me wrong then.

p.s :

Here's for others thought. The reason why I'm drowned in the illusion of a sea. Why I am at the bottom. I need to learn something before I reach out again. But before that, I need to know what I need to learn. And to find that knowledge is the hard part isn't it?

Well, I learned to have an off-switch over time. So that it didn't kills me and hurts me much. =)

Aku tak hepi.

Current mood : Lepak sudah.
Current song : Bunyi orang sebelah Angry Bird 2 : Beach

Yep. Aku tak hepi, tapi aku tak kate aku sedih mahupun marah. Sebabnya minggu ini minggu yang tidak menghepikan. Walau dengan assignment dan kerja - kerja serta test yang berlambak, berdas - das tembakan yang dilakukan Mr. Universe. Walaupun aku berjaya mengelak sampai sakit - sakit leher. hahahahaha.

Tapi yang menambahkan bullshitnya hari - hari aku ada banyak, salah satunya adalah Test 2 HR. Aku dah bagitau kat diri aku yang kalini, aku boleh buat dan ia akan cover pointer aku. Malah, semua budak lelaki dalam kelas study dengan aku. Kira macam aku ni imba gile la kan. Tup - tup aku fail. Aku rasa damn gila. Memang damn gila. Bila diorang tanye "eh, kau biar betol? salah kira markah ke? kau yang ajar kitorang, kau yang fail?" Aku kaku tak tahu nak jawap ape. Aku seorang je yang fail. Imba betul tu.

Kemudian test IT yang bullshit. Yang ini aku tak tahu nak kate ape, yang aku tahu cuma aku akan fail. Awal - awal sebelum sampai lagi aku dah kate yang aku datang untuk fail. Dan ternyata bahawa aku memang betul. Tapi aku rase bullshit bile ada orang kate, "Fizi, kau pandai kan? Bagi aku tiru kau eh?". Maka dengan muka plastiknye aku berkata, "Hahahahaha, ye la tu. Tiru la, aku tak kesah." Namun pada hakikatnya aku rase sangat tertekan. sangat. Dan keluar test, memang aku rasa bahawa aku ni bodoh jugak.

Well, that what life is. There is up, there is down. Macam roller-coaster bak kate M.Nasir.

p.s : 

Aku terberhenti dan memikirkan sama ada ingin meneruskan projek tersebut atau tidak. My reasoning dengan diri sendiri jadi teruk lately. Tak tahu kenapa. Jadi, tanpe sebab - sebab yang kukuh, projek itu akan menjadi futile, sia - sia and not worth the hardwork. It maybe end up in an old cupboard anyway. Pffft. I hate my own pessimistic side.

Sad of smoke.

Syawal ni sedih + pedih kan? Aku ingin meluahkan kesedihan aku. Baru - baru ini, aku melihat one of my greatest friend of all time. Smoking. Although behind everyone and he make sure that anyone didn't see. But hey, aku la. I see him with all that smoke and it makes me sad. Really are. I wonder what makes him smoking again after years of not doing so. I wonder. If I ask, would he tell? If I didn't wouldn't he expect than I cared? Why my friend. Why? 

I know he is torn inside out. But when I don't know what to do to makes him okay makes me want to hurl out of sadness. And I hope he knows that I'm there.

Kecamuk.

Current Song : Bunyi rintik - rintik hujan.
Current Mood : Err...baca tajuk sudah.

Ye. itulah perasaan saya sekarang. Nak tahu kenape? Itulah yang saya cuba fikirkan. [err...geli pulak gune saya2 ni.] Aku sendiri tak tahu kecamuk aku datang dari mana. Mungkin datang dari nenek rumah sebelah yang pagarnye baru je berbunyi time - time pagi buta sebelum subuh ni. Peh! bapak seram. Dalam keseraman ni, aku gagahkan diri untuk terus menaip. Dan aku hampir terperanjap dengar bunyi dengkuran teman serumah yang muncul tiba - tiba. Cis. Okay, off - topic. aku tau.

Minggu ni aku ada tertekan sedikit. Tu yang perasaan aku berkecamuk. Mungkin sebab assignment yang tak asing lagi berlambak - lambak pada akhir - akhir sem ni. Biasalah, kerja bertangguh, due date dah dekat haram satu tak buat, tempah satu jalan kesusahan. Tambahan lagi test yang masih ada 3 yang belum setadi ape - ape. Walaupun ramai kawan - kawan yang masih ada mood raya, namun mood raye aku cuma ada pada hari raya pertama, keempat dan kelima.

Sepatutnya aku rasa gembira kerana aku tengah ada duit yang banyak pada akhir - akhir sem ni. Sangat banyak sampai aku rasa macam nak beli semua keperluan aku seperti handphone, [taknak la, hilang lagi nanti.] ataupun cermin mata. Tapi laptop yang dari kawan abang aku tu tak dapat pun. 3 bulan aku tunggu. Sia - sia. But we'll see. Dan maybe aku nak beli moto. Probably Modenas GT128. Hahahahahaha. Dapat pulak!

Ataupun, aku kecamuk sebab perasaan sendiri yang bengap, bangang, bulshit, bodo, lame. Say any word that you might think fit. I'm in love with a person who aren't in love with me. It's enough to make me berkecamuk like this.

Many times, apparently. 

This raya, one of my favourite picture is:

Thanks pengambil gambar dan aweknya. Really appreciate it.

Okay, dah azan. Need to go.

Looking back.

Current Mood : Abnormal

Current Song : If I Never See Your Face Again – Maroon Five ft. Rihanna

Just for one day, let me back look back. Coz I think something pulling me. I realize that last year, I didn’t post much about Eid Fitr nor Ramadhan much. Everything so blur last year. I don’t want it to happen again this year. I know last year was rocked. But I just don’t remember the details much. Recently I looked back just to see how much I’ve grown. Honestly, I didn’t think I change little. I’ve grown as I choose a wrong path.

Now that I made myself thinking, is there really is right or wrong path? Or maybe somewhere in between? I wonder if I take another path, would I be someone else? This is off-topic. Let me get back to right and wrong path. Is it really there? Who are the judges to tell someone that what we’ve choose is right or wrong? Let me put it more delicately. You got two pen, black and blue. Which did you choose? When you are choosing, do you consider it thoroughly? It’s just a pen, plain and simple. Do you think that what color you choose will affect your entire future? And who told you what kind of pen you should choose? A ball pen or just a pen. Or maybe you choose pencil instead? 

But heck, whatever you picked you already picked it. Whatever the path, you walked it. No matter it’s a standalone path, a failing path or maybe just a simple road to be taken. I ran into a lot of choices. Heck, we all are. We fill our head with all the consequences of the choices. A lot of time crying for the choices that has been chose. But did we realize that the choices made are the best one. Let me give you some fact. “He never burden more that a soul can take” – Al-Baqarah 286. 

See, no matter what you say. The right or wrong choices. And in addition, a wrong path should been taken before I could make it to the right path. All of this is due to looking back to the past. All the bullshit that I’ve done for the past years is for the best. Regardless of what everyone says.

Then, it comes to the time to reminisce the memory, no matter the painful or the happy moment. A moment will become just memory. Make the best of it although it is painful because that moment already gone a long time ago. Let me give an example and open my little black book. It was a painful memory to be reminiscing. Don’t be alarm, how things turn out make it painful. But the memory, always be there no matter I want it or not and because it always there, I can’t do anything about it. But what can I do is I’ll make the best of it. How I've done it? It differs to what memories it is. Cherish the painful memory and turn it into a great one. =) 

But…

Moment pass, and what lurking right behind it

is a painful, glories bastards called reality.

Happy Eid Fitr.

Salam Syawal. Semua orang bercerita tentang raya. Well, it's a must isn't it. Maka aku pun hendak bercerita tentang hari raya. Well, korang tahu kite beraya sebab ape? Kita beraya sebab hendak meraikan kemenangan yang telah dicapai oleh zaman Rasulullah dulu. Betapa hebatnya pejuang - pejuang yang berjuang dengan lapar dan dahaga pada waktu itu. Hebat. Kita disini, berperang dengan nafsu sendiri pun kadang tak tertahan Tsk tsk. Sedih aku apabila terkenangkan bahawa junjungan kita Nabi Muhammad akan berasa sedih dengan umatnya setelah banyak pengorbanan yang dilakukan. Even saat kewafatan baginda, masih mengingatkan umatnya.

Sedih. Itulah raya aku kali ini. Aku ingin berkongsi pengalaman raya aku tapi sayangnya tiada sapa bertanya. Maka kesini jua aku coretkan pengalaman raya aku tahun ini. Kesedihan yang aku rasakan. Aku rasa sedih sebab suasana raya itu tiada. Suasana menyambut kehadiran Aidil Fitri itu hampir lenyap. Suasana yang aku tunggu - tunggukan itu lupus. It's not about bila aku dah besar, kerja - kerja aku kene buat sume, bukan itu masalahnya. Malah aku berbangga aku membantu menyiapkan persiapan raya kerana ia menandakan bahawa I'm one of the big guys now. Well, I'm 20 this year kan. Tapi sedihnya bila suasana dan sambutan yang aku tunggu - tunggukan tiada. Tiada lagi bunga api, pelita, mercun, malah meriam buluh pun lenyap. Budak - budak sekarang buat ape malam raya? Counter-Strike, Final Fantasy, Tak kan maen Pokemon pulak? Takkan semua mengadap dekstop or laptop hari raya? Sedih. Sedih. Kemudian aku sedih bila semangat apabila 1 syawal tu nak datang pun takde. Dulu, aku antara orang - orang yang berpusu - pusu ke pejabat pos beli setem nak hantar kad raya. Sebab mak aku kate, pos kene 2 minggu sebelum raya. Tapi tahun ni ada seorang je kawan aku yang ucapkan selamat hari raya 2 minggu sebelum raya. Tapi sekarang, kesian pejabat pos takde lagi budak - budak yang datang nak beli setem raya. Yang ada cume, pesanan yang diforwardkan melalui SMS ataupun facebook. Tak best kan. Dulu aku ingat lagi, kalau dah lambat nak hantar kad raya, aku hantar tanpa setem terus masukkan dalam peti surat rumah diorang. Setel. Tapi itu dulu. Semua itu zaman dulu. Sekarang zaman yang berbeza.

It's a one happy family. Yes it is. Honestly. But picture tells a thousand word. It can't hide what inside. For those who really can see. Tafsir sendiri ape dihati aku.

p.s :

Remember about one girl that I talk about at you? You said that I should move on. But last time I check, I don't have an off-switch. Silly me. I thought I can really do it. But what she's done at her last birthday is a breathtaking and really set my mind on her. Da-mn.