I lied. Everything I said that I got nothing to tell is a lie. The part where I don't have anything to whine also a lie. But the part I told that I am happy with my life I'm not. I do have many many many crap that I held and pushed it down my throat. But instead of whining, I decide to take it all inside as long as I can take it and I did not throw up. Cause when I do, it will be like Jurassic park kind of ugly where there is blood everywhere, bayangkan satu tempat pembunuhan bersiri yang gile gile gile dasyat punye. Ok, off topic.
Why I chose to take it down with me. The answer might surprise you. Thinking that I am Mr. Goody two shoes who can endure all things, accept all things and let it all happen? No. I am one hold-on bastard, revengeful, have anger issues that only few have encounter just yet. Apart from that I'm also, clingy, spoiled and crybaby little brat. But instead of those two personality that many did not know, I choose to be normal with everyone who endure all thing not because I'm strong enough but because that's all I can do.
I'm born as a last son. I should be spoiled by nature. But instead, I used to endure all shit that people throw at. And when I was kid, I'm short. People always made fun of me. Everything that they say I did not fight back not because I don't want to but I can't. Up until now, I can't fight, I can't speak my mind and all I can do is being a sitting duck receiving all the bullets they fired. The best I can do is say it out loud here.
This is not a complain, this is not me whining of my life, no. This is me telling myself that I have the power to take it all. I may have challenge once or twice to universe that who lose first, my guts or his trick. To prove that Allah only gave pain that I can endure. And from that many many many time I've been in pain, only a few that I take a step back, stop and put down my sword so that one day I can pick it up again and fight.
And that is my answer for my friend's question, "How much longer will you endure this, it's already a long time." Maybe he did not read what I'm saying here but before I lost to my own mind, I set my own mind with these answer. "As long as I did not throw up, as long as I did not give up, and as long as I did not lose to myself." And it will certainly will be a long time.
p.s:
I may have said that many many many time against it, but this time my friend was right. I am hurt. The fact that I'm accepting myself to be hurt is the first step to start over and move on.
